Hello.
I know it's been a while. I have a good reason. The dark days have been nipping at my heals. I can feel that monster I have alluded to before trying desperately to haul me back into that pit of despair. I haven't been able to write. I have hardly been able to breathe. Day by day functioning has been hard, but it is habit, so I can get through. It's the other stuff that makes living really hard.
I am still not good. I have gone back to not sleeping well at night, and wanting to hide away all the time. I don't want to see people, I don't want to have to talk to anyone. But I must. I have to function for the sake of other people.
I think the hardest thing has been the temptation to self-harm. In my dark days I did that a lot. The pain inside is so intense that the only way to have some relief is to make the outside hurt as well. I haven't done anything, but I have had to work very hard not to. Knives are not good to have around when you feel like that.. let me tell you. Neither is driving a powerful car on the motorway! Sometimes I have had to physically talk myself into not going further than the pictures in my mind want me to.
It is a daily struggle. Sometimes it is a minute by minute one. Stronger than my desire to do that, however, is the knowledge of whatever drastic action I take will have on my family. I don't want my kids growing up without me. I don't want my family to have to live with consequences of my behaviour. Sure it might end my pain, but it will only create confusion and chaos for them. I know what that is like, and there is no way I would purposely do that to anyone else, no matter how great the temptation.
I have shared my distress with two good friends. I have made myself very vulnerable in sharing with them the intricate details of confusion and distress that fills my heart and my mind. I have undertaken with them not to hurt myself. I know they will be watching me and praying for me. I haven't seen them yet, and I am very anxious about seeing them face to face, because they will know my deepest thoughts and I am not sure I am comfortable with that. But I have to be safe, and it is the best way to keep me so.
I know this will end. It has ended before, and this 'trip' is not as bad as my past. I know that days and weeks like this will come. It's not having dark days that is the problem. It is knowing how to live safely while I am in them that is the key to making it through.
1. Tell someone! Scary but very important. No-one will laugh at you or diss you. Tell someone you trust, or who you know cares about you.
2. Promise them you won't do anything to hurt yourself. It is amazing how a verbal (or written, if you prefer) promise can stop you from doing something really stupid.
3. Be prepared to face that person. This is the hardest thing ever, but it needs to be done.
4. Be patient. It will end. It will get better. That is what I hang on to, every minute of every day. It has become my mantra this last few weeks. It will get better, because I have seen it get better. It has got better when it was way worse, so I can get through this.
Just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I don't go through tough times. In fact, at times it can make it harder as you grapple with human vs Godly living. So, I struggle with that, but I do know it will be ok in the end, and that what I go through is making me a person better able to care for others who go through the same sorts of despair as me.
So, hopefully next time my blog will be a bit more of a cheerful read. Have a good week.
Grace alone.
