pushing on..

Yes, it's been a while since I have been here. Sometimes life can just get totally overwhelming and I have to stop. Unfortunately, that means that I don't get to write every day. But I am doing what I can, and that is good.

Lately I have been feeling as though I am stuck on one of those hampster wheels, that goes round and round and never seems to stop. The view definitely never changes. I have choices, of course. I can make it stop, I can slow down, or I can go so fast I fly off and land in a heap on the floor.

Two of these options are dangerous for me. If I stop, I stop. Completely and utterly. I have been there, and I don't ever want to go back again to that place. It was dark. Lonely. Empty. Going so fast I can't even see the view is also dangerous. I have learnt that I can't do that. I can't keep the pace up or I ultimately end up flung in a heap. 

So I push on. I try to keep the same pace, and steady myself so I can manage how hard I run, and how fast the wheel spins. Sometimes I do ok, and sometimes I just get carried along for a while. But I have to confess, it can get a bit monotonous. 

My life is pretty full of responsibility. I have to care for others, so I can't be selfish and do what I want when I want. I have to put others first. Always. 

Pushing on. Pushing past the selfish desire to get off the hamster wheel and have some fun. How do I do that? How can I keep going?

It is not easy. So often I want to just dump everything and run. Anywhere, I can. There are so many days when I just don't want to do this anymore. So many days when walking away from it all is very tempting. 

Actually, I 've tried that, and it doesn't work. It just makes it worse. The stuff is still there, still happening around you, even if you don't want to know about it.

So I have learnt to keep on going. Push past the feelings of frustration, pressure, boredom, and whatever else it is that pulls at my mind and heart. I have to keep going, because to stop is dangerous. To stop would bring not only my world, but other people's worlds crashing down. So on I go.

I have no magic pills, or secret remedies. It is just plain old hard work. Dig in, dig deep and push on. Because there is no choice. It is what I have to do.

Grace.