Distress

Hello.

I know it's been a while. I have a good reason. The dark days have been nipping at my heals. I can feel that monster I have alluded to before trying desperately to haul me back into that pit of despair.  I haven't been able to write. I have hardly been able to breathe. Day by day functioning has been hard, but it is habit, so I can get through. It's the other stuff that makes living really hard.

I am still not good. I have gone back to not sleeping well at night, and wanting to hide away all the time. I don't want to see people, I don't want to have to talk to anyone. But I must. I have to function for the sake of other people. 

I think the hardest thing has been the temptation to self-harm. In my dark days I did that a lot. The pain inside is so intense that the only way to have some relief is to make the outside hurt as well. I haven't done anything, but I have had to work very hard not to. Knives are not good to have around when you feel like that.. let me tell you. Neither is driving a powerful car on the motorway! Sometimes I have had to physically talk myself into not going further than the pictures in my mind want me to.

It is a daily struggle. Sometimes it is a minute by minute one. Stronger than my desire to do that, however, is the knowledge of whatever drastic action I take will have on my family. I don't want my kids growing up without me. I don't want my family to have to live with consequences of my behaviour. Sure it might end my pain, but it will only create confusion and chaos for them. I know what that is like, and there is no way I would purposely do that to anyone else, no matter how great the temptation.

I have shared my distress with two good friends. I have made myself very vulnerable in sharing with them the intricate details of confusion and distress that fills my heart and my mind. I have undertaken with them not to hurt myself. I know they will be watching me and praying for me. I haven't seen them yet, and I am very anxious about seeing them face to face, because they will know my deepest thoughts and I am not sure I am comfortable with that. But I have to be safe, and it is the best way to keep me so.

I know this will end. It has ended before, and this 'trip' is not as bad as my past. I know that days and weeks like this will come. It's not having dark days that is the problem. It is knowing how to live safely while I am in them that is the key to making it through. 

1. Tell someone! Scary but very important. No-one will laugh at you or diss you. Tell someone you trust, or who you know cares about you.

2. Promise them you won't do anything to hurt yourself. It is amazing how a verbal (or written, if you prefer) promise can stop you from doing something really stupid.

3. Be prepared to face that person. This is the hardest thing ever, but it needs to be done.

4. Be patient. It will end. It will get better. That is what I hang on to, every minute of every day. It has become my mantra this last few weeks. It will get better, because I have seen it get better. It has got better when it was way worse, so I can get through this. 

Just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I don't go through tough times. In fact, at times it can make it harder as you grapple with human vs Godly living. So, I struggle with that, but I do know it will be ok in the end, and that what I go through is making me a person better able to care for others who go through the same sorts of despair as me.

So, hopefully next time my blog will be a bit more of a cheerful read. Have a good week.

Grace alone.

pushing on..

Yes, it's been a while since I have been here. Sometimes life can just get totally overwhelming and I have to stop. Unfortunately, that means that I don't get to write every day. But I am doing what I can, and that is good.

Lately I have been feeling as though I am stuck on one of those hampster wheels, that goes round and round and never seems to stop. The view definitely never changes. I have choices, of course. I can make it stop, I can slow down, or I can go so fast I fly off and land in a heap on the floor.

Two of these options are dangerous for me. If I stop, I stop. Completely and utterly. I have been there, and I don't ever want to go back again to that place. It was dark. Lonely. Empty. Going so fast I can't even see the view is also dangerous. I have learnt that I can't do that. I can't keep the pace up or I ultimately end up flung in a heap. 

So I push on. I try to keep the same pace, and steady myself so I can manage how hard I run, and how fast the wheel spins. Sometimes I do ok, and sometimes I just get carried along for a while. But I have to confess, it can get a bit monotonous. 

My life is pretty full of responsibility. I have to care for others, so I can't be selfish and do what I want when I want. I have to put others first. Always. 

Pushing on. Pushing past the selfish desire to get off the hamster wheel and have some fun. How do I do that? How can I keep going?

It is not easy. So often I want to just dump everything and run. Anywhere, I can. There are so many days when I just don't want to do this anymore. So many days when walking away from it all is very tempting. 

Actually, I 've tried that, and it doesn't work. It just makes it worse. The stuff is still there, still happening around you, even if you don't want to know about it.

So I have learnt to keep on going. Push past the feelings of frustration, pressure, boredom, and whatever else it is that pulls at my mind and heart. I have to keep going, because to stop is dangerous. To stop would bring not only my world, but other people's worlds crashing down. So on I go.

I have no magic pills, or secret remedies. It is just plain old hard work. Dig in, dig deep and push on. Because there is no choice. It is what I have to do.

Grace.


 

Failure?

This is my second attempt to write today. So, I can think I failed at my first attempt, or I can think it was just the wrong time to try.

Today has been a bad day. I stuffed up in my job today. The consequences for me weren't too bad, but I made my colleague's day pretty rotten. I feel awful about it. The last thing I want to do is make someone's life harder, but sometimes it happens that way.

In some ways, I feel like I failed. Failed myself, failed my colleague and failed my team. I don't think it is really as bad as it sounds. What I mean is that the damage can be repaired relatively easily, and has been. But it did mean that my colleague had to work her butt off over the last 24 hours to sort out the mess.

I failed because I didn't follow the plan that I was supposed to be following, even though that plan was in my colleague's head and not on paper. And I am inexperienced in my current position at work (although I feel much more experienced now!).

What is important for me, however, is the knowledge that just because I stuffed up at work doesn't mean I am a failure. A few years ago, something like this would have triggered negative thoughts about myself for days. I would have felt as though I could never get anything right, that everything I touched I ruined. 

Now I know better. It is not the things I do that make me significant. It is who I am. 
It is not what others expect me to be that makes me significant. It is who I am.
It is not about my abilities, my looks, my intelligence, or any of those things. It is who I am.
It is not about my family, or my place in my family. It is who I am.


So, just because I make a mistake that impacts on someone else, it doesn't mean I am a failure. I made a mistake, an error of judgement, that's all. And instead of beating myself up about it, I am going to use it  to learn. 


Today, I have learnt about process and planning at work. I have learnt a better way to get a job done, and I have learnt about 'cleaning up' to limit the damage done. 


I am not a failure. I am a success. We all walk away from the mistake with our heads held high, our egos intact and a job well done, albeit ahead of our original deadline by about 2 months. And I learnt about working with others and achieving what we set out to achieve, no matter what.


So, today had the potential to screw with my mind and throw me back towards the 'dark days'. If that had happened, my day would have been a failure. But it didn't. And I didn't fail. I have succeeded in not failing, and I am at peace.


Sleep well,


Grace alone

..

I am who I am

I haven't posted anything for   a few days. That's not a bad thing. There is no pressure here for me to have to do any writing. I write as I feel, so to you it may seem sporadic, but to me it's ok. What is important is that I do post eventually, and so, here I am

I am not sure what to write about today. Nothing amazing or earth shattering has happened. I am cruising along nicely, thank you, and enjoying being who I am while I am doing it.


No, I haven't suddenly become perfect in all I do. Far from it. I look around my home, and stuff just seems to loom in every corner. Mostly it's not my fault. It is because the lovely person who built my home didn't put much storage in it, and I don't earn alot of money at present, so lots of what I have is shelf and brick storage, which works ok, but doesn't look too tidy.


However, I know now that it's not about what I can or can't do as a person that makes me appreciate who I am. It's not about how others see me, but how I see myself. I can see me, warts and all (actually I don't have warts, wrinkles may be a better word), and I am content with that. Arriving here has been a journey, and I have made it.


I have learned that I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks of me. It is none of my business what anyone thinks of me. It is their business, and I am content to have it so. 


It's none of my business
what you think of me
unless, of course,
your choose to share
your thoughts with me.


I am mature enough
to take them on board
think about them
and make
my own choice
about how to respond


I may agree
and decide to act
on your words
or I may choose
to feel
that I don't need
to make changes.
I know who I am
I like who I am
and it is up to you
to accept that that
is the way
it is.


I will thank you
for caring
enough about me
that you want to
share your thoughts 
with me.


I am who I am
and you need to accept
that is the way
it is.
(FEB 2010)


Sometimes I say this to myself, when I am in one of those situations where I feel as though I am not good enough. Nothing is said, but you know those times I mean. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I just need to be me and get on with it. If they choose to share their thoughts about me, I can use that to make me a better person, or I can leave it behind and walk away. But it is up to me, not them. And that makes me feel so free! Free to be me, and free to be the person I want to be.


So, I hope you find the freedom that comes from not caring what anyone else thinks about you. It is not your business, so forget it, enjoy the day, and love who you are.


Blessings to you.


Grace alone.


 

.

busyness

Today, I can tell, is going to be one of those days. My to-do list seems super long, but it is the weekend, so I guess I have the time to do it.

I have discovered one of the lasting legacies of depression, for me, is the whole laziness thing. My "dark days" were spent sleeping (or at least pretending to so I didn't need to interact with anyone) and now I find it really hard to get going when there are things to be done.

If I really want to achieve something, I can. No problem there. It's the things I should do that seem to get left until I really have no choice but to do them. I never used to be like this at all. Usually housework type stuff, but also those things that seem like they are going to be really hard work, such as doing repairs to the house, and stuff like that. 

Some of it is because of the overwhelming-ness of it all. I look at stuff and there is just too much to do. I know it will take a long time, or I don't have the skills, or I will get bored half way through. It seems easier to not do it, but then, of course, it gets worse!


My friends tell me this is pretty normal, and they avoid doing stuff too. However, I am not convinced entirely, given that I remember what I was like before. I was busy, organised, semi-tidy and lived a pretty normal life. 


When I say 'normal life', I have to clarify what I mean. I did the things everyone does. I worked, I had fun, I got married, had a family. The whole time, though, I felt 'out of step' as though all along I was only pretending to live my life. I really felt as though it was't me at all, that I was living as somebody else. It's a really hard concept to explain, but I know there are lots of people out there that feel the same sort of thing. I don't know if it is to do with self-expectations, or what others expect of you, or what. The best way to explain it is 'out of step'. Almost like I was walking one step behind me, and trying desperately to catch up with myself. I felt I had to prove daily that I really was me, that I really was in control, that I could do all these things that I was doing.  It sounds kind of weird, but I don't really know how else to describe it.


These days I feel like I am me, in step with who I am meant to be. It's a big change, but it can happen, although when you are in the process it feels like it never will. I am constantly amazed at the 'who I was' and the 'who I am'. The difference is remarkable, and I am gratful for the change that has come.


I have occasional flashbacks, I will confess, but I will need to leave it for another day, when I can spend the time explaining what that feels like.


So for today, I sign off. Thanks for reading,


Grace alone.

.

day by day

One of the hardest things about leaving depression behind is that it can take so long.  When you are in it, there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel. 

I remember one session with my psychologist, who asked me to draw what I saw as my life on a piece of paper. I coloured it all black. There was not a hint of colour, of light, of space. Nothing but black. And this was after I had started treatment!

When I look back at that time now, I am amazed at how much light and colour there is in the real world. Sometimes it seems to dull a little, when I am having a tough day, or the budget doesn't look like it is going to stretch far enough for yet another month, but mostly I am overwhelmed by the colours and sounds and light I see now. It is a total contrast to those dark days.

Changing happened very slowly. It really is literally feeling like you go millimetre by millimetre. Sometimes you feel like you take three steps forward and six steps back. Thankfully, it's not always like that, and progress does happen!

One thing that has really helped in my journey is learning that I don't have to be the person other people want me to be. I am me, and it has taken me a long time to appreciate that fact. Sure, I am not the most beautiful person on the planet, and I don't have a super high IQ. I am not blessed with unlimited patience, goodness or  perfection. And if someone wants me to be that way, then the problem is theirs, not mine. This concept took a long time, but it was worth it.


So tonight I am heading to bed, grateful that I have had  a good day. Nothing exciting or significant happened, nothing bad happened either, I am glad to say. It was just an ordinary day. What made it good? Knowing that I can choose to be who I am with no pressure to be someone I am not.


Life is good, and it is just getting better.


Take care.


Grace
 

  .

Depression changes your life in so many ways. It's the little things that really make me realise how much I am different to the way I used to be. I remember being driven to be the way I perceived others to be - organised, perfect. So different to the me I am now. 

When I look back at what I call my "dark days" I see the person that I was, so confused about who and what I was supposed to be. It's almost as though it happened to another person, but I bear the scars, so I know it was me.

I think the thing that stands out most for me was the alone-ness I felt. I was so isolated from everyone, and everything. There was no-one who could understand what I was going through, because my depression was unique to me.

Even though others told me of their experiences, I still felt that no-one was able to feel the depth of despair that had hold of me. The blackness, the alone-ness that overwhelmed me was so intense that I sometimes found it really hard to breathe. How can anyone share that depth of pain and confusion? It is almost beyond imagining. 

There are so many ways to describe what it feels like to be totally immersed in depression. For me, it was like I was being consumed by a beast from within. Something I had no control over. I felt as though the beast was tearing at my soul, ripping my being to shreds and leaving me for dead.  

I was not always able to describe what I was feeling. This beast figure didn't emerge until I was able to think beyond the edges of my depression. What I mean is that when depression is totally overwhelming, it takes everything to do the basics like breathe, walk, eat. Anything that goes beyond that requires energy that just doesn't exist.

This post today sounds really miserable. I didn't mean it to be that way. I just want to let others know that depression is so intense, it absorbs all of you in ways that you can't really understand unless you experience it yourself. 

Today I am able to look back at how it was, and to be grateful beyond words that those days are over for me and will never return. I can say that, because now I know the triggers and the signs that indicate I am heading back in that direction, and take action to change things. 

It is possible to heal, and to return to a life that is good. I am living proof. I hope that as I blog my experiences and my path to health, I may be a blessing to someone who is struggling with living the life they have, whether it is tough and difficult, or whether they are trying to support someone who is struggling.

My prayers are with you all.