busyness

Today, I can tell, is going to be one of those days. My to-do list seems super long, but it is the weekend, so I guess I have the time to do it.

I have discovered one of the lasting legacies of depression, for me, is the whole laziness thing. My "dark days" were spent sleeping (or at least pretending to so I didn't need to interact with anyone) and now I find it really hard to get going when there are things to be done.

If I really want to achieve something, I can. No problem there. It's the things I should do that seem to get left until I really have no choice but to do them. I never used to be like this at all. Usually housework type stuff, but also those things that seem like they are going to be really hard work, such as doing repairs to the house, and stuff like that. 

Some of it is because of the overwhelming-ness of it all. I look at stuff and there is just too much to do. I know it will take a long time, or I don't have the skills, or I will get bored half way through. It seems easier to not do it, but then, of course, it gets worse!


My friends tell me this is pretty normal, and they avoid doing stuff too. However, I am not convinced entirely, given that I remember what I was like before. I was busy, organised, semi-tidy and lived a pretty normal life. 


When I say 'normal life', I have to clarify what I mean. I did the things everyone does. I worked, I had fun, I got married, had a family. The whole time, though, I felt 'out of step' as though all along I was only pretending to live my life. I really felt as though it was't me at all, that I was living as somebody else. It's a really hard concept to explain, but I know there are lots of people out there that feel the same sort of thing. I don't know if it is to do with self-expectations, or what others expect of you, or what. The best way to explain it is 'out of step'. Almost like I was walking one step behind me, and trying desperately to catch up with myself. I felt I had to prove daily that I really was me, that I really was in control, that I could do all these things that I was doing.  It sounds kind of weird, but I don't really know how else to describe it.


These days I feel like I am me, in step with who I am meant to be. It's a big change, but it can happen, although when you are in the process it feels like it never will. I am constantly amazed at the 'who I was' and the 'who I am'. The difference is remarkable, and I am gratful for the change that has come.


I have occasional flashbacks, I will confess, but I will need to leave it for another day, when I can spend the time explaining what that feels like.


So for today, I sign off. Thanks for reading,


Grace alone.

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