One of the hardest things about leaving depression behind is that it can take so long. When you are in it, there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember one session with my psychologist, who asked me to draw what I saw as my life on a piece of paper. I coloured it all black. There was not a hint of colour, of light, of space. Nothing but black. And this was after I had started treatment!
When I look back at that time now, I am amazed at how much light and colour there is in the real world. Sometimes it seems to dull a little, when I am having a tough day, or the budget doesn't look like it is going to stretch far enough for yet another month, but mostly I am overwhelmed by the colours and sounds and light I see now. It is a total contrast to those dark days.
Changing happened very slowly. It really is literally feeling like you go millimetre by millimetre. Sometimes you feel like you take three steps forward and six steps back. Thankfully, it's not always like that, and progress does happen!
One thing that has really helped in my journey is learning that I don't have to be the person other people want me to be. I am me, and it has taken me a long time to appreciate that fact. Sure, I am not the most beautiful person on the planet, and I don't have a super high IQ. I am not blessed with unlimited patience, goodness or perfection. And if someone wants me to be that way, then the problem is theirs, not mine. This concept took a long time, but it was worth it.
So tonight I am heading to bed, grateful that I have had a good day. Nothing exciting or significant happened, nothing bad happened either, I am glad to say. It was just an ordinary day. What made it good? Knowing that I can choose to be who I am with no pressure to be someone I am not.
Life is good, and it is just getting better.
Take care.
Grace
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