Depression changes your life in so many ways. It's the little things that really make me realise how much I am different to the way I used to be. I remember being driven to be the way I perceived others to be - organised, perfect. So different to the me I am now. 

When I look back at what I call my "dark days" I see the person that I was, so confused about who and what I was supposed to be. It's almost as though it happened to another person, but I bear the scars, so I know it was me.

I think the thing that stands out most for me was the alone-ness I felt. I was so isolated from everyone, and everything. There was no-one who could understand what I was going through, because my depression was unique to me.

Even though others told me of their experiences, I still felt that no-one was able to feel the depth of despair that had hold of me. The blackness, the alone-ness that overwhelmed me was so intense that I sometimes found it really hard to breathe. How can anyone share that depth of pain and confusion? It is almost beyond imagining. 

There are so many ways to describe what it feels like to be totally immersed in depression. For me, it was like I was being consumed by a beast from within. Something I had no control over. I felt as though the beast was tearing at my soul, ripping my being to shreds and leaving me for dead.  

I was not always able to describe what I was feeling. This beast figure didn't emerge until I was able to think beyond the edges of my depression. What I mean is that when depression is totally overwhelming, it takes everything to do the basics like breathe, walk, eat. Anything that goes beyond that requires energy that just doesn't exist.

This post today sounds really miserable. I didn't mean it to be that way. I just want to let others know that depression is so intense, it absorbs all of you in ways that you can't really understand unless you experience it yourself. 

Today I am able to look back at how it was, and to be grateful beyond words that those days are over for me and will never return. I can say that, because now I know the triggers and the signs that indicate I am heading back in that direction, and take action to change things. 

It is possible to heal, and to return to a life that is good. I am living proof. I hope that as I blog my experiences and my path to health, I may be a blessing to someone who is struggling with living the life they have, whether it is tough and difficult, or whether they are trying to support someone who is struggling.

My prayers are with you all.